80s Movie Remakes for the Time of Trump

HUMOR/SATIRE

These movie remakes come with a steaming pile of Trump

While falling from the top of Nakatomi Plaza at the hands of shoeless John McClane, Hans Gruber staves off his terror of defeat and impending death once he realizes that he couldn’t possibly be beaten by a raggedy-looking, down-on-his-luck detective with no shoes. Sure, he was only seconds from being splattered all over a Los Angeles sidewalk and becoming a drippy addition to the festive decorations below, but surely if he yells loud enough and thinks hard enough about how he’s the winner of the film, everyone will see that he, Hans Gruber, the studly German radical, is the true victorious action-movie badass and not this grungy-looking, balding, middle-aged man with a love for wielding nonsensical catchphrases.

When two low-level Trump campaign staffers discover discrepancies in the accounting, they pick the wrong time to tell the boss about their discovery of fraud. It’s the exact moment when Fox News calls Arizona for Biden. Upon hearing the news, the boss is sent into a permanent stupor, seemingly brain dead except for babbling half-cocked nonsense that nobody but Rudy Giuliani can understand.

In true Trump-staffer fashion, the duo of sleuthy accountants hauls brain-dead Trump to the victory celebrations in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building where they’ll need to convince the rest of the staff that their chubby, golf-loving leader can still properly recite, “Man, person, woman, camera, TV” so they’ll all still have a shot to undermine democracy and have some good old conservative American fun while doing it.

Jason Vorhees is back, but now his thirst for killing isn’t quite what it used to be. He doesn’t think he has what it takes to be a true horror anymore. “How can I compete with the horrors of 2020?” he was heard lamenting again and again.

This time, instead of stalking teenagers at Camp Crystal Lake, Jason has his eyes glued to the tube, and he’s taking notes. “I’ve gotta try that crazy orange paint on my face. That’ll scare ’em…

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