P is for

I’m writing this in a crowded coffee shop, inside a crowded mall.

I have now lived away from home for two months and things are…good, i think. Time feels very tricky to me, it slips and stretches before me without warning and I find myself constantly anxious to enjoy it/make the most of it/while it way. On a day to day basis, this trickles down to — What should I do right now? Should I — Read it away/sleep it away/sex it away/binge watch MasterChef it away, as Solange would say.

There are no lines in my mind between what I should do vs what I want to do. They bleed into each other in a stifling way (I want to read over a 100 books this year, I should be reading instead of doing this).

Apropos of nothing, I turn 30 in a few weeks and I have predictably turned to stock-taking and introspecting.

P is for Patterns

My life seems to follow no pattern technically, but if you take 30 years into account, sure, there is an overarching pattern. Not to my life as much as to my feelings about it. I mean, the rolling, broad pattern is a couple of years when I’m invincible, smart, funny, I’m killing it at my job, my social life is spectacular, people are jealous of my life. And then six months of slowly losing interest in things, slipping into the inevitable depression. For a couple of years then I feel like this is my constant reality now. I can’t imagine things changing, I can’t get out of bed, doing the tiniest of things requires a mammoth effort. This is a pattern I know. But in the last few years, every time I see an upswing, it swings a little lower than the time before. Do you know what I mean?

My friends and I use a shorthand to explain this — landscapes. What kind of year have you had? A plateau? A mountain? A valley, a few rolling hills?

So, this is what my life’s pattern looks like

P is for peace

This post is coming to you from two different timelines. One in which I’m in a noisy, loud coffee shop and the other from a place of calm and …peace? What is happening? I’m a feeling…good right now? Uhhhhoooohhhh

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