On Fighting Lies

My depressive episodes and triggers have been getting a lot worse recently.

For the first couple of months I was doing well, but after the first one hit, they kept coming until they were almost back to back. It was pretty frustrating, knowing that my mental state was weak enough to collapse from a single, well-intentioned sentence that my self-esteem could not take.

She rarely cries and has skin meters thick. She’s not afraid to tell the truth (in love), and is also able to receive the truth without batting an eyelash. Why can’t I just be like her? After some discussion with her, I learned that I (the extrovert) care a lot about maintaining friendships, while she (the introvert) is perfectly content with her relationships changing — whether it be growing or distancing.

Now, neither philosophy is necessarily worse or better than the other, since in our own ways, we are able to help those around us. However, in my case, my desire to maintain friendships started to morph into a desire to people please. I began calculating the amount of input into a relationship I needed to exert in order to gain their favor, and would observe to see if these people would interact with others more than they would with me — marking which people I needed to try harder with, which people interfered with my relationships, and which people I wanted to stay away from but still wanted to find favor with. The more people I engaged positively with, the greater and more loved I felt. The less people I engaged positively with, I would feel like I was despised. I found it difficult to trust anyone, since I was so focused on this fear of being rejected.

Even when there is no one around me to make me feel a certain way, my mind will begin to prey on certain memories and thoughts that make me grow anxious and angry. There tends to be two common paths that people take when faced with these sort of feelings: one — sink into the deep abyss of your depression, two — build your self-esteem by hating on the other party. Choice #1 is natural. Choice #2 is tempting. I don’t particularly like either, but I usually like to go with the more natural, easier option.

As a result, I would very easily plunge deep into the icy oceans of depression. I would lie in bed with my entire body aching and weary, trying to keep my mind occupied by sleeping or engaging in meaningless tasks. I could lie there for hours on end — sometimes, an entire day. I’ve missed classes; my grades would drop. There isn’t even enough strength to tell myself affirmations like “You can do it!” or “You’re a strong woman!” So, I just let it happen, hoping that this time will be the last time. At some point, I probably also gave up on hoping.

But last year, I read a pretty life-changing book called “The Search for Significance” by Robert McGee — a book that breaks down the gospel. It outlines four main LIES stemming from particular fears that we as humans believe:

Take some time to reflect on these fears, and in which areas of your life they ring true. I have definitely had my fair share of living these lies — from building and cultivating my talents and becoming self-defensive to avoid failure, people-pleasing to avoid rejection, cheating and lying to avoid punishment, and constantly feeling chained by shame and guilt because of my mental health struggles.

Now, take some time to reflect on these four main TRUTHS that combat each respective lie:

Now, you may have realized that a lot of these lies overlap with one another — as do many of these truths. In reality, it all boils down to one concept: We fear that we are unworthy so we try to find ways to escape and build up our self-worth, but Christ’s love is the only thing that is sufficient enough to provide us our true worth.

Even though I have been made aware of this a while ago, I’m still constantly wrestling with making these truths my beliefs again and again, as I have definitely struggled with each lie repeatedly after finding my footing the first time around.

But that doesn’t mean that the Spirit’s work has been for nothing! Earlier this year, I had struggled a lot with shame, but hadn’t felt it since I wrote my blog post on mental health and shame. However, I know that my stupid self is bound to forget this truth again in time. But hopefully every time I remember, I will draw closer to Jesus — which is also my hope in wrestling with my current biggest fear, that is rejection. The last few depressive episodes I had resulted in me writing a song and successfully combatting these lies for the time being. There was even an instance in which I managed to evade a panic attack as well. Who knew that the power of truth could transcend my circumstances in these ways and display such love to me?

The first few times I actively turned to God in order to fight these lies, I buried my head under my arms and muttered under my breath again and again — “His love defines me, His love defines me. He still accepts me. He has reconciled with me.” I was shaking and crying, but His peace was with me. The next few times, I would be able to think more specific thoughts: “Regardless of how people think of you, regardless of how people perceive your actions, the only thing that matters is how God sees YOU. And fun fact — Christ’s righteousness has already been transferred onto you.”

And now, I am beginning to hold this truth closer to my heart as I can tangibly feel these lies deflecting off of this weapon that I have been equipped with, giving them no chance to leech off me.

Slowly but surely, this truth will soon be embedded in the armor that surrounds my heart, soul, and mind.

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