Love at last

As I look at the beautiful bouquet of roses I bought for my wife, I think of how terrible the last year has been for us. I’ve had a terrible time at work lately and I can’t seem to get my work/life balance in order. This morning I looked at her gently sleeping as I got ready for work. I went in to kiss her but stalled, and instead walked away. It had been so long since I kissed her good morning that it felt alien to me. As I look upon her in bed, sleeping with a permanent frown I realize how much I miss her. I miss her smile, her laughter, and the way she touches my shoulders to make the days stresses go away. She’s been distant as of late, and I don’t blame her. I don’t remember the last time I said those magical words, “I love you.” It saddened me that I’ve allowed all this negativity to rule my life, and today I decided no more.

It was a Friday, and the last thing I did before leaving work was quit. I know they say the best time to fire someone is on a Friday afternoon, so I figured it was a great time to throw in the towel. My bosses tried to sell me sob stories of how they couldn’t survive without me, and that without me some of their biggest clients would jump ship. That was probably, no it was definitely true. I didn’t care. You may want to know what I did, but it does not matter. The only thing that mattered was my sweet wife.

The white roses I pick out glimmer with hope. Hope that I can go back to the way I was before, hope that my negativity over the last year hasn’t put a permanent stain on our love, hope that I could again say “I love you” as easily as I once did. As I pick up the flowers and walk towards the smiling cashier, there are these small overpriced stuffed bears on the shelf holding candies. I stop and smile for a moment remembering all of the stuffed bears I’ve given her over the years. I used to get her at least 3 new bears a year, but I could not remember when I last took one home. I grab one too. A white one, and head out the door.

My wife doesn’t know what I’m planning, I need it to be a surprise. I call her on my way home, just to see if she’s there. She’s mildly surprised that I called, and tries to cut me off short. I don’t blame her, with the way I’ve treated our relationship lately. Before she can hang up I let her know, “Princess, I know I’ve let my stress get to me lately, and I want to let you know I’m going to try and fix this. I’ve done something that’ll make it all better. I’ll see you when I’m home, I love you.” She pauses, and quickly mumbles something to the effect of loving me too, then hangs up the phone. I’ve been such a bad husband that she can’t even be proud to say she loves me. A tear wells up in my eye as I slowly hang up the phone.

My drive home is usually a long one. Downtown Seattle to Everett can be a mess and usually takes me close to an hour and a half. Today, the roads are clear. I take it as a sign of good things to come, and turn on the radio looking for love ballads. The first one I find is an oldie, Queen playing “Love of my life”. Man I love this song. Tears well up in my eye again, thinking of my princess at home. My phone buzzes, but I’m too into the music to look. A Grey Porsche 911 speeds past me on the left going what feels like double the speed limit. I admire the car. The job I just quit, I knew I could have easily afforded one, but I gave that life up.

That Porsche must have chosen not to ignore his phone as I had done moments ago. The driver either doesn’t see the cars in front or has a death wish. A wall of red brake lights abruptly appears in front of me on the turn around Shoreline, but the unknown Porsche driver continues at full speed as if he were a battering ram trying to break down a castle wall. Collision is imminent, and I tighten my grip on the wheel preparing the worst. Then the entire world seems to go in slow motion; the Porsche swerves, barely missing the outdated El Camino ahead then clips his back bumper and the car is sent into a tailspin. My eyes widen with fear as Santana’s “While my guitar gently weeps.” plays in the background. My only thoughts are surviving just so that I can tell my wife how much I love her.

Holding a death-grip on the wheel, I hit the break harder than I’ve ever had to before, and turn the wheel to the right, trying to avoid his tailspin which seems to be moving closer and closer. Still feeling as if the world is in slow motion, I manage to avoid my own tailspin and the Porsche at the same time. The brakes in my Subaru are perfect as advertised. Even the flowers and stuffed bear sit firmly on the seat, oblivious to my near death experience.

Sweating like I had just run a marathon, and white knuckled I think to myself “Holy shit, I almost died.” Then I smiled. Things really were looking up. My car was stopped on the freeway, along with the others in front of me that had been in the path of the reckless driver. My tires still smoking, radio still playing and it hit me, I was going to be okay. The Porsche spun off into the bushes on my right, smoke coming from it’s engine but from the looks of it everyone was going to be okay. It had somehow missed everyone as well. Still smiling, I look to my right. The bear and flowers were still in the same spot, oblivious to their surroundings. I look forward, the cars were moving again then something hit me with such force all of the airbags in my Subaru deployed at the same time, and the front of my car was pushed at impossible speeds towards the wall of cars that had just started moving. The last thing I saw before the blackness was the bear fly past me. I grabbed it and held on.

When I awoke, I was unsure how much time had passed but I was still in the drivers seat. Very confused I look around, and my window was not broken and the airbags were not deployed. Even the bear and flowers were right where they belonged. It was dark outside and there was no evidence of an accident. The Porsche, my smoking tires, the stopped traffic, all gone as if it had never happened. I’m parked in the emergency lane to the right of the freeway, still half way between work and home with my hazard lights on. Funny how no one noticed me still here or offered to help.

After surveying the car, and myself I realize that everything was okay. There was no accident. I’ve heard of people hallucinating due to the stresses of work, and maybe thats what happened to me. Thankful to be alive, I locate my phone and call my wife. It rings once, twice, three times then she picks up, “Hello?” her voice is noticeably shaky and it sounds like she has been crying. “Honey, love, it’s me. I don’t know what happened, but I’ll be home in half in hour. I love you.” She pauses for a moment, “Hello? Is anyone there?”. I try speaking a few more times, but there must be bad connection. She says “Matt?” and the last thing I hear before being disconnected was her gentle sob. We just switched to Sprint so I assume that was the culprit.

Confused as to why she was crying but thankful I’ll be able to hold her in my arms soon, I start driving home. Love ballads are still playing, and for some reason I cannot change the music. I shrug at the inconvenience, and carefully continue my drive. The clock in my car says it’s 2:45am, and the traffic is light but two cars try merging in my lane on my drive home. I honk at the second, and curse under my breath. I allow him to pass me, and stare angrily in his window but he doesn’t even glance at me. I hate Seattle drivers.

The drive home seems to take longer than it should, and when I arrive home all of the parking spots close to our apartment have been taken. Usually this would anger me to no end, but I was still feeling high on life as I park in the one remaining spot I find in the back. I get out of the car and start walking towards my apartment. The cool fall air is crisp against my skin and goosebumps start forming.

I realize half way there that I forgot the teddy bear and flowers. I turn back to where I parked my car but when I get there it’s gone. Instead a small Honda took its place. I walk around the parking lot more confused than ever in search of my car, but after looking for at least 15 minutes I am at a total loss. Again I blame the stress. Knowing that someone could not have stolen it that fast, I give up the search. Very distressed that my wife will not be getting flowers and a bear I walk back to my apartment and let myself in.

Usually my wife keeps the lights on when I work late, and today is no different. The entire apartment is illuminated when I get in, and I see we have a guest sleeping on the couch. It’s my sister, which is strange as she never comes unannounced. Her blanket is on the floor, and her eyes are bloodshot as if she’s been crying. Maybe she got into a fight with her boyfriend, I’ll have to find out tomorrow. I quietly take the blanket and place it over her. She smiles in her sleep and calls my name.

I quietly walk from the living room into my bedroom smiling like a fool. I plan to gently wake her by kissing her forehead, tell he how much I love her. Even now, years into the marriage I get giddy when I do romantic things for her. I open the door and the lights are on. I see two figures on the bed; my wife and her sister. My wife is having nightmares, her body moving and she sobs in her sleep. I tiptoe to next to her, and tighten the blanket around her. One of the stuffed bears I got her years ago sleeps next to her, and it feels damp from her tears. I take her arm and allow her arm to hug the soft brown creature, giving her the comfort she craves.

Next to the bed, on the nightstand an almost empty box of Kleenex sits with dozens of discarded tissues in and around the small trash under it. Sitting next to it is a white bear with small blotches of blood and a battered bouquet of white roses. My eyes well up with tears as I gently sit on the bed. I look at my wife, who still sobs in her sleep, and again I look at the bear on the nightstand. I lay down next to my her and look into her beautiful face. She reaches for me with one arm, and touches my leg. Her tears stream down her face. I kiss one of the tears, “I love you” we say together.

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