Setting Healthy Boundaries

Do you ever feel used, bullied or pressured at work? Like you’re being taken advantage of or you just wish you could say no? You’re not alone. Whether intentionally or not, our colleagues, co-founders and clients can often step over our boundaries.

Sometimes it’s because they are boundary-pushers, but generally it’s because you haven’t set boundaries for yourself or communicated them clearly.

In part one of this blog post, I’m going to share with you what boundaries are, why you probably aren’t setting them now and how you can get started. In part two, we’ll dive into solidifying and communicating your boundaries.

A boundary is simply what is and is not okay with you. They communicate what works for you, from your perspective. They are for your own good, health and well-being, but are also flexible. If you want to shift your boundary, you can do so.

If you run your own business, you can set boundaries around when you work, what you work on, and how much time off you take. For example, I do not do client calls in the evening. This protects me and my clients because I know that I am not at my best in the evening, I want to be relaxing.

But it isn’t necessarily easy for us to set and communicate our boundaries.

1. Lack of Confidence — When you care more about what other people think of you than what you think of you (or keeping yourself healthy and safe) you tend to lack boundaries. How confident are you with yourself and with being firm with your boundaries?

2. Overly empathetic — You feel like you need to be there for others because you’re empathetic and compassionate. But you can’t save everyone and some people need to learn for themselves. You can’t fix it for them.

3. Fear of Confrontation / Being a “Troublemaker” — It’s understandable. However, sometimes, you really have to stand up for yourself. (And if you need a crash course on Confronting, check out my podcast series on Confronting with Confidence.)

4. Fear of How Others Will React — You feel like you’re punishing other people by putting up your boundaries — This is a normal feeling. However, ask yourself this, how will they learn to respect you and your boundaries? Can you keep on doing your best work when your day is full of interruptions from your co-workers? You setting an example by setting boundaries can be very helpful for others.

You may have a brief amount of stress the first time you share a personal boundary with somebody, but it’s nothing compared to the amount of stress you’ll reduce once you have personal boundaries in your life protecting you.

You Can’t Say No.

Are you saying yes when you really mean no? Or do you feel guilty whenever you say no? You need better boundaries here.

You Don’t Speak Up.

You act against your own values or opinions to fit in the crowd. You wait too long to say something (or never say it at all) and it nags at you.

You Put Everyone Else’s Needs First.

You’re often interrupted and find yourself tending to everyone else’s wants and needs before your own.

You Don’t Know What You Need in Relationships.

If you happen to feel loved and supported in relationships, great. If you don’t, you end up feeling bad about yourself or resentful of the other person.

Now that you know more about boundaries, let’s decide where you’d like to set some!

I recommend to my clients that they make a list of their triggers. What are the things at work or in your life that really get to you? What has annoyed, upset, or bothered you in the last month? Made you feel bad about yourself or unworthy? These are potential triggers and you can set a proactive boundary around them.

Maybe the fact that your coworkers are always going out drinking or gossiping gets to you. In that case you could set a boundary that you aren’t going to go out for a drink after work for a month to reset your habits.

You could also say you’re really trying to work on not gossiping for yourself, so you can excuse yourself from any conversations that turn that way.

Maybe you’ve been picking up work on the weekends, but your salary hasn’t increased and it’s been making you resentful. You may need to have a conversation with your boss about compensation.

Maybe you got triggered remembering a purchase you made that didn’t feel worth it in the end. You make a rule for yourself that you always wait at least 48 hours before you make a big ticket purchase.

There are so many potential boundaries to set that can help you feel better in life and work. Pick one trigger and set a boundary around it now to protect yourself.

The other place you’ll want to set a boundary is to protect your goals and dreams. What do you want to accomplish this year? Identify one thing and set a boundary to help protect yourself.

It may be creating “Meetingless Mondays” so that you can tackle an extra project that will get you closer to your contribution goals at work, or a rule that you keep all sweets out of the house unless you have company over. Whatever will help you reach your goal!

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